After months stuck in hospital and coming to terms slowly with my trauma I found myself today in Hackney’s shiny new service centre trying to secure temporary housing.
The calm of finding myself and growing accustomed to at least the treat of homelessness on the ward began to make the whole thing quite surreal. Having some peace to my life has made the most horrific of situations seem like part of everyday life.
Doing something with my life was never the aim, I was living with the weight of trauma so dense I could barely function as a human being. On the surface I was going through life but my core was essentially just waiting for death.
Much like the ward all the facilities are shared but unlike the ward with nurses and household staff the place seems to have weathered the storm of countless souls passing through.
Thanks to the NHS I have found my self and despite having had everything and possessing nothing I’m just happy to be alive. Just happy to see the day pass and to actually take part.
I’m wasn’t sure what to make of this blog my plan to write about information technology as opposed to my art and design which hopefully will find a home of its own on my flickr portfolio and tumblr blog.
Technology was always about processes for me understanding the interactions rather than the one button you need to do a single task. I have been looking so hard at the processes around me I find it overwhelming to comprehend what my next pathway will be.
Perfectionism reeks in my own work but it never satisfies. I spend hours mulling over tweets or text messages trying to use stenography to encode little easter eggs in my writing.
Building so much complexity into my use of language can be crippling I sometimes look for the chance for simplicity and not the over eager tweaking of hidden meanings.
So I’m left on the ward thinking it all through. How Am I ever going to find true safety and sanctuary and how do I survive with so much in my way.
Don’t underestimate the freedom of losing everything when you are missing the fundamental sense of self and ability to express yourself not only coherently but to turn heads and to get things done.
Still grasping for the perfect answer to all my problems I do wonder why I always thought every opportunity was a dead-end when they actually might have led somewhere.
Now I’m facing down really quite real and dangerous avenues that lead to me wonder what an earth has happened to the world to place me in such desperate states.
So the soothing that I get from my new-found peace of mind leaves open so many avenues that are hard to find. I know that I’m valuable to society but society doesn’t seem to ever want to lead me to opportunities that can actually use my real skills.
This disparity leads me to despair, Just another girl who never had the golden hair. I’m sure I’ll find my own way through this but facing destitution is ever-present and was actually always there. I’m just facing up to it for the first time.